title: The Dangers of Joking
pairing: Sirius/James with mentioned James/Lily
rating: R
wordcount: 2123
summary: in which Sirius would have had a vastly different experience if he'd heard of Kinsey's work and understood the continuum theory.
author's notes: written for laurel-tx's James is really really straight fest challenge.


It was supposed to be a joke. Which, yeah, maybe he should have realised there was a chance things weren't going to be taken the right way. There were a lot of things in his life that were supposed to be jokes that went horribly awry; Snivellus and the Shrieking Shack incident, just about every interaction he had with Regulus, solstice dinner the night he got kicked out.

On the other hand, for seven years his life had been about making jokes with James with no consequences. Unless you considered the detentions, which Sirius didn't. Every moment spent scrubbing cauldrons could be used as planning time for more pranks. So no, Sirius hadn't thought making a lewd comment to James would have gotten him knee deep in shit. Unfortunately, that's precisely where he was. Not literally, of course, that didn't happen unless he had detention with Hagrid.

If you wanted to get literal, he was technically between a rock and a hard place. More specifically, hiding with the castle wall to his back and the statue in front of him. He'd spent minutes trying to remember the password needed to get the frog to open it's mouth so he could walk the passageway into Zonko's (he desperately needed to charm Rosemerta into giving him a drink) before giving up and slumping in depression.

If you wanted to go back to metaphors, Sirius was still stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either shag a bloke, or back down and admit cowardice. Neither seemed very appealing.

Leaning against the cold stone, he wished for a time turner. If not to get himself out of the situation, at least to smack his twenty-minute-ago self, the stupid git.

It had started at lunch. Peter had separated from the rest of the Marauders upon entering the Great Hall, but Sirius hadn't given it any thought. At least not until Peter had joined them and stared at James for several minutes without saying anything. It wasn't a first for Wormtail, but it did mean he had something on his mind. Sirius probably would have been content to let Peter sit in silence, if he didn't have the courage to speak he didn't have to. Unfortunately letting mates stew wasn't something James was capable of, so the bespectacled teen snapped "what!"

"Would it be alright if..."

"What!" James provoked when Peter didn't finish.

"I'd like to bring a bloke to your stag party."

"WHAT?" Sirius shouted.

"Could we not call it that? It just seems so obvious." Remus complained, completely overlooking the important part of the sentence.

"It's not obvious to anyone that isn't us. And yes you can." James smiled magnanimous at Peter, then ruined the look by biting into his mash.

"You still haven't told Lily about being a stag?"

"Can we get back to the bit where Peter wants to bring a man as a date, please?"

"You don't care that I'm bringing a bloke to the party."

"Yes, because you're queer. But Peter has a girlfriend. She might be completely barking, but she still has a vagina."

"Shelly's not that bad. She told me to meet her last night, said she had a surprise."

"Ohhh, Wormy's getting laid?"

Peter scoops his own potatoes onto his plate and shakes his fork at James. "I've been getting laid for two months and you know that. I thought she might let me blindfold her or something. Instead, she's got Davy Norton and she says we're going to have a threesome. So I said okay, and, well, the fucking commenced. Bottom line is, I like Davy more than her."

Sirius didn't really have anything to say to that.

It was after dinner when Sirius broke. Though not as much of a stickler for schoolwork as Remus, he did agree that on occasion homework should be done, if only to prevent another detention. So Sirius slid his hand into his messy bag and an edge of parchment cut his knuckle. It was his ring finger, and it stung enough that he decided to attempt his own healing; Pomphrey would only laugh him out of the hospital wing. He held up his hand for the minute healing and thought this time next year James will have a ring on his finger. It was disgusting.

So excuse him if he was a bit desperate. James was insane for setting the date just after graduation. Just because a bunch of people were dying and they were going to have to fight was no reason to get married. On the contrary, they all needed to truly live their lives and aim for happiness.

And really, who could blame him for where his mind went first? Having a gay mate in Remus was fine. But finding out Alice and Frank only had a relationship to so they could hide from their parents was another. And now with the information from Peter? Of course his mind was stuck.

Before Sirius knew what he was saying he said "How about a 'Make Sure James Potter is Really Really Straight Fest'? Because truly, you shouldn't be getting married if you aren't certain, and these are uncertain times, Prongsie."

James just looked at him, confusion hiding behind a mask of bland vague interest. Sirius wasn't looking in their direction but he was sure Remus and Peter were staring too. The always-keep-up-appearances part of him was horrified at the way he was gazing with his mouth dropped open, but he was stunned at his statement. Sirius could tell the instant James decided to take the piss, clearly enjoying the shock on his face. The fucker said yes, it sounded like a smart idea. That's when Sirius fled.

His mind raced desperately, trying to find an out. Logic told him he had two options. He could have sex with James, which would be awkward and possibly painful depending on who did what. Or he say he was just kidding and of course he was happy about him marrying Lily. Which maybe not Peter, but James and Remus would immediately latch onto and ask him if he was too scared. He would say of what, they would make some stupid comment about the keeping-up-appearances bit of him and associating homosexuality with lack of masculinity and even if Sirius protested he didn't Remus would be offended and James would be offended on Remus' behalf and it would become this big thing.

Really, it was a fucked up universe when shagging your best mate was the only way to keep your friendship from imploding.

Like all problems, the more Sirius thought about it the more frustrated he got. Finally he worked himself up enough that he left the statue and stormed back up to the dorm. "Sod it all, we're fucking."

It was that same bland look, and it made Sirius want to strangle James, even though he knew what was behind it. "I know, I agreed nearly an hour ago."

Sirius glared at him as he tugged harshly on his tie and threw it in the general direction of his bed. As he continued to strip he realised all three were staring at him and wondered when he became less of a friend and more of a show to his mates. Oh well, it wasn't the time to worry about it. "I meant now, Potter."

"What, in front of Remus and Peter?"

"They've both had sex with other blokes, it wouldn't be anything new for them!" Unlike me, you daft bastard, was the part that went unsaid. He didn't need to say it, James knew him well enough that he could read the glare.

"No, it's okay, we'll leave." Remus smiled at him, and just as Sirius' glare started to melt the smile morphed to a smirk and he added "There's lubricant under my pillow."

The moment Remus and Peter left Sirius laid down beside James on top of the blanket. Always having to one up people James spelled away his clothes, and puts his glasses on the night table. Sirius wondered how blurry he looked, if James could see to touch him, because he wasn't making a move. On the other hand, neither was he.

James finally coughed and said "So let's go over the facts, alright?"

Sirius shrugged, and waited for James to continue.

"We're both straight,"

"Yeah."

"And completely not interested in each other sexually,"

"Yeah."

"And we've both got girlfriends,"

"Yeah." Though that wasn't technically true. James had a girlfriend, Sirius had a collection of fuckmates, pretty, easy women that enjoyed orgasms as much as he did.

"But we're going to shag because we're both too stubborn to say no."

"Essentially."

"Doesn't that seem a bit wonky to-" Sirius didn't want to talk any more, so he reached out and took James' cock in hand. It was strange how different it felt, considering it was ultimately the same organ, only a bit thinner, with a different placement of veins. "Gnrgh! Sirius!"

"Stop talking, or I'll snog you," he said. A kiss with a bed mate shouldn't have been a threat, but then these were odd circumstances. It worked, James closed his mouth and Sirius started stroking James. It didn't take long for James to get hard, straight or not it was a hand on a cock and Sirius had questions as to how much Lily put out.

On a whim - nearly the only way Sirius did things - he shoved at James' shoulder and rolled them together until he was straddling the thinner man. James blinked rapidly at the change, lips slightly parted in surprise. From so close Sirius could see that behind his glasses he had long delicate eyelashes, and if he was woman Sirius wouldn't have hesitated a second to call his eyes pretty.

But he wasn't a woman, and Sirius had already crossed a dozen lines, and even as a Marauder there were only so many you could cross before everything fell apart. So he stayed as quiet as he had threatened James to be, and spoke with his body instead. Which sounded terribly cliche in his head, but works well when his free hand drifted behind James' bollocks and pressed up hard, and James bucked up quick enough to almost throw Sirius off the bed.

Smirking with success he did it a few more times; bloke or not it felt good to have the power to make someone else get off. Then, as always James turned the tables on him. He wasn't sure why he was surprised, that's what they did. "Would probably feel better if you did it from the inside."

Sirius' hand stilled as he just looked at him. Only for a second mind you, he wouldn't have lasted a week at Hogwarts had every shocking suggestion of James made him freeze. "You want me to fuck you?"

"Don't see why not. It's the most extreme 'test' for you, right?"

There was surely a gay sex spell that would have James primed and ready for use. Unfortunately Sirius didn't know it, that was one of the few conversations he'd never had with Remus over the years. He had no choice but to go manual, which made Remus' snarky advice right. Cursing Moony for calling the score so early in the game he Accioed the lubricant.

Like taking acid or becoming an animagi, sex involved far too much information to take in and remember. All that Sirius could take from an experience was the shade of a woman's nipples, or the way her hair got into his mouth, or her having a pants tanline but not a bra tanline.

Shagging James was no different. Even minutes afterward, panting heavily and trying to stop sweating, he only had a few distinct snatches of the experience. His fingers slippery against James' arsehole, stroking, wondering if it was the best idea to try this. James' hairy ankles rubbing against his shoulders with each thrust. The noises James started to make, and the noises he was making. The sweat that fell from his mussed hair to James' stomach.

Still, he knew it was good. He knew because he had come, and because Prongs had come, and because the post-coital glow was stronger than normal.

"So..." he said finally. "How did the fest go?"

"It was fun," James hesitated.

"Sounds like there's a but there."

"I'm not saying it wasn't, Pads. Hell, I've still got come on my chest. It's just, I love Lily. Sorry mate."

While the most of him was relieved, the smallest part of Sirius wondered about how it could have been. But there was no arguing with love, and even if James wasn't 'really really straight', Lily would be lucky to have him.
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