Title: You Can Hide Without A Closet
Author/Artist: gala_apples
Gift For: vanseedee
Rating pg13
Featured Character or Pairing(s): Seamus/Ron
Summary: Coming out is a long process, sometimes one that can take an entire life.
Warnings: homphobia
Word Count: 3319
Disclaimer: I do not own anything in Harry Potter and make no profit from this fanfiction.
Author's/Artist's notes: S/R is my otp, but this is the first time I've written them out of school or closeted, so it was a completely new experience. I hope you like your fic!


It was never a revelation that he liked blokes. Seamus just always knew. Some hints were larger than others, though.

At his primary school, a lot of the girls liked to chase after the boys at break time. A pack of them would hold down a boy, and one of the girls would kiss him as he squirmed. A lot of times Seamus would run with them, though he always somehow knew he'd never be the one kissing the captured boy. It was enough to just stretch his legs and sprint with a bunch of girls.

But then one recess they hold down Bryan Alsinger, and he's the prettiest, nicest boy in the school. Seamus can't stop himself as he rushes forward, bends over in the dirt and grass and kisses him.

The girls first reaction is shock, one lets out an 'ohhh, wow'. But they keep on holding onto Bryan, as are the undeclared rules for this type of game. When Seamus pulls back, Bryan threatens to kill him, and he realises that he's probably just done a bad thing. The girls give him time to run away before they let go of him. At ten, several already know that Seamus is different in a way which makes him interesting.

After school Bryan finds Seamus and beats him up. He goes home with a black eye and a split lip, and because he won't tell his mam what happened she won't cast a charm to make it stop hurting. But the next morning he goes to school and Marie, Anna Elizabeth, and Tracy all want to be his best mate.

When Seamus is fifteen, he gets his second kiss. It's more of a joke, Ginny saying she won't kiss Dean unless Dean kisses Seamus. Both Seamus and Ginny are surprised when Dean complies, a quick smooch before he moves in on Ginny, his true target.

Seamus might not have been expecting it, but it's enough to linger in his mind for days. An entire week in a row, he wanks to the fantasy of Dean continuing to kiss him, sliding to his knees and kissing him between his legs.

It doesn't matter that Ginny and Dean seem happy together, or that Seamus knows full well Dean is as straight as can be. Facts don't matter when a person wants to get off, and in his dreams Dean likes snogging him.

When Seamus is twenty, he gets his third kiss, and that's when things change. The kiss is with a strange man, and the man kisses back. And then Erik sticks his hand down the back of Seamus trousers, playing with the cleft of his arse.

After the side-along apperate to Erik's flat, things go far beyond kissing.

In the morning, Erik hustles him out, telling him he has to go to work, but he'll floo him later. Seamus is smart enough to not believe him, so he's not crushed when Erik doesn't. But that's when it really kicks in that he's queer, and it's not going to change, and there's no reason that others shouldn't know the truth about him. Well, most others.

Seamus has always been considered the family idiot at gatherings during holidays. Where he'd gotten this role is beyond him. Nor does it fit; he can name three cousins that lose their paychecks gambling on a regular basis. Surely that's more stupid then anything he does. Never the less, he's the dumb one.

As stupid as they tell him he is, it doesn't mean he is. He's proud to say he isn't stupid enough to tell his mam, because that would truly be world class moronic behaviour. That he is stupid enough to tell his sister is a fact he likes to look beyond.

He starts off with telling Aoife a week after having sex with Erik. Six years older then him, his blonde sister is already married with a child on the way. Always more tolerant then Ciara, his eldest sister, it seems like a good place to start. Aoife seemed to take it well, stunned and stammering but not overtly hostile.

But he knows now that that was the calm before the storm. He'll never know for sure, but what he guesses happened is Aoife had told Ciara, needing someone to talk to. Then Ciara's first move had been to tell mam, because he and Ciara had never gotten along, and she seemed to like finding ways to fuck with him.

Mam's screaming at him, half in a frenzy. She's got her old leather covered bible out, with ribbon bookmarks in all the passages she's using to help explain why Seamus has to beg for forgiveness, or be trapped in the fiery pits of Hell. He lets her go on for awhile, though each word tears at him. Eventually though, he's too hurt to hear any more, and he apperates to his bedroom.

One of the basic concepts she's explained in great detail is her not putting up with deviants in the house. If he won't promise to never see another man, she won't let him stay the night. He packs up all the things he needs, his clothing and pictures and pillow, and crams them all in his trunk. It's a tight squeeze, but he manages to close it. After it's shut he Shrinks it, so it fits into his pocket.

Standing with his hands in his pockets, blinking furiously, he tries to make a list of options. He can't stay with Ciara or Aoife, they're the ones that have fucked him over in the first place. He can't trust the rest of his relatives not to tell mam where he is, and when she tells them what he's done, he'll be kicked out anyway.

He can't stay with Dean and Luna, because Dean has a long memory. He'll somehow attribute how Seamus is now to the snog four years ago, and Seamus will have to watch him freak out.

The only person he can think of that wouldn't be upset with him is Ron. Seamus checks out the window for safety before apperating from the second story to the lawn outside. He climbs the fence out of his back yard and waits in the middle of the street. He holds his hand high, wand glowing in the air.

Eventually the Knight Bus explodes into existence, bouncing on the road once before coming to a complete stop. Seamus climbs on and pays for the ride without getting a tooth brush or hot water bottle. He informs the driver of Ron's address, and lays on the moving bed with his arms propping up his head. He tries to think of what he's going to say to the man, but the ride is over before Seamus comes up with something witty and winning.

He knows that Ron is still living at the Burrow, though he's never been there before. It's an odder looking house than Seamus would have figured the Weasleys for. It looks like the kind of place Luna's mind would concoct.

He leans into the door caller - sort of like a muggle doorbell, but it alerts those in the house as to who it wants. He whispers Ron, knowing as he says it a light bell is going off where Ron is sleeping.

The redhead comes to the door in blue paisley pyjamas, scratching absently. "Seamus? What do you want? It's the middle of the night."

"I need somewhere to stay. Can I grab a bed, just for the night? Maybe the week, at most?" Seamus tries not to look as desperate as he is.

"What the hell happened?"

"I got kicked out because I'm queer. You were the only person I could think of that wouldn't freak out. At least, you never made a fuss about Percy. Can I stay here, please, mate? I know it's late, I want to sleep just as much as you do."

"Percy's queer? You're queer? Did you do something with him?" Ron seems too curious, and Seamus realises with a groan that Ron doesn't know about Percy, he hadn't come out to his family. "Huh. Percy's queer. Yeah, you could probably sleep in Bill and Charlie's old room."

Seamus wants to cry as he follows Ron up the several flights of stairs. For Ron to just accept this without having been tested with Percy first, he truly is a good man. In the back of his head a voice warns him to not think of the man that way - it can only lead bad places. He ignores the voice; he's too tired to think.

He wakes up only a few hours after crashing in Bill's old bed. The sheets are old worn out flannel, thin, nearly threadless spots, with other pilled areas. Seamus is different then most depressed people. They stay awake all night thinking, worrying and worst-case-scenarioing everything. That's not Seamus; he can get to sleep within five minutes of lying on any flat surface. But when he's depressed, he wakes up very early to do the worrying that most do at night.

He stays in the warm flannel for near to an hour before he cracks. He starts to cry, miserable that he's never going to be able to talk to his family again. He cries until he can't breathe, his sinuses are so clogged he's almost choking.

He needs to get a glass of water. Eyes still streaming, he crawls out of bed and put his jeans back on. The kitchen would have to be on the grounf floor, so he goes down all the stairs, then wanders until he gets to the back of the house.

Mrs Weasley is sitting at the table, head tilted towards the radio with her feet resting on a second chair. Her eyes are closed, so Seamus feels safe quietly going to the tap. It's when he finishes the glass and turns around that he realises Mrs Weasley is a woman who pays more attention to detail than mam ever did. She'd probably heard him the moment he was on the stairs.

"I don't think we've met. Which child of mine's friend are-" she stops mid-sentence, seeing the nose with trails of mucus and the red puffy eyes. "Dear boy, what happened?"

Seamus shakes his head. He doesn't want to talk to her about it. If the Weasleys truly don't know about Percy, then she'll probably react the same way mam did. He can't afford to be kicked out of another house right now.

"Son, do you really think you're going to get out of this room without telling me what the problem is?"

Loving but forceful, like Ron himself, it's clear where he learned it. Seamus breaks for a kind mum the way he never would with a harder one, one like his own. He falls to the floor, rocking back-and-forth a bit as he sobs. Mrs Weasley drops her soft body down beside him and rubs his back until he's able to choke out the gist of his situation. Even when he tells her the dirty details that make him sure he's a queer, she never stops rubbing him.

"I just don't understand why she hates me." He sobs. He understands the words, he's a sinner and a pervert. He just doesn't understand the emotion. He doesn't know how she could have it in her heart to hate her son.

"This might not make you feel better, but she'll always regret it. It might take a very long time for you two to start talking again, and she might never say it, but she'll always regret she didn't applaud you growing into the man you've become. I'll always regret how little I believed in Fred and George when Fred was still alive."

"Mrs Weasley?" he asks, only realising now that he's not the only one with a hurt soul. After the war in his seventh year, a lot of people were scarred.

"A mother always knows she can never replace one that's left. I could never be Lily for Harry. I certainly can't be your mother. But if you find yourself needing help before your mum comes around, I'm on your side." She stands up, dragging her flowing ankle length skirt up with her.

Not knowing what else to do, Seamus goes back to Bill's old room, his new room. It sounds strange in his head, but it's the truth. Mrs Weasley seems willing to let him stay, and he's got nowhere else to go.

Seamus has two days of peace, doing little but reading the numerous books scattered throughout the house and sleeping. He doesn't go to work, but doesn't bother to tell anyone at work that he won't be coming in. If he cared enough to contact his boss, he's sure he'd find out he's fired, but he doesn't care. It's a crappy job, he can find a better one once he's more stable.

He only leaves the bedroom to find new books, and to grab something to eat. He does his best to avoid Mrs Weasley - he's been told to call her Molly - because if she hugs him or looks like she wants to, he'll start crying. He avoids Mr Weasley because he doesn't want to explain to another loving parent what happened to him. He avoids Ron most of all, though the man leaves a pile of comics on the kitchen table as though he knows what Seamus is doing.

One of the few useful lessons Ciara taught him was the best way to get rid of a crush is to starve it. Seamus fears he might be falling in love with Ron, and so needs to avoid him at all costs. He can't afford to have a crush on one of the only people that he can still trust.

On Wednesday morning he's warned that he might not want to be at the Burrow. Wednesdays are family night and all Weasleys from near and far gather. Whilst Seamus understands the warning is meant to be helpful, he has nowhere else to go, and it just makes him feel all the more alone. He sits silently reading, waiting for the impact his heart is going to take seeing so many happy people loving each other. His only hope is in Percy. As awkward as conversation can be with the stuffy Ministry official, at least he understands the ache of life.

Bill, his wife Fleur, and their toddler Victoire arrive first. She's only gotten more stunning since Seamus first saw her in fourth year. It's strange how he wants her even though he doesn't want to bed a woman. It has to be the supernatural power of the veela, and not for the first time he wonders how he'd react if he ever saw a male veela. They're followed shortly by Harry and Ginny and Hermione and Viktor, both males with their arms sweetly around their girlfriends' waist. George comes with Lee, though it's obvious Lee's just a friend.

Percy, the one person Seamus feels comfortable talking to, shows up last. With a female. Seamus can hardly believe his eyes. The first time she leaves his side, Seamus approaches him. He tries not to get angry, but it's difficult. "Thought you'd try out my side as a game? Didn't like it then?"

"Seamus, I can assure you I tried nothing. I allowed myself to partake in homosexual liasons just as much as I allow myself heterosexual ones. I'm what some would call bisexual."

There's nothing Seamus can say to that. He feels betrayed, not so much by Percy but by the world. If some gay people can become bisexual, why not him? He prays every night, shouldn't God love him as much as he loves his mother? Shouldn't he be able to be happy?

While he can't leave, he also decides he doesn't have to put up with the torture of dealing with gleeful Weasleys while he himself is miserable. Each attempt to involve him in conversation, but Seamus limits himself to one word answers. The moment someone isn't awkwardly trying to engage him, Seamus sprints up the stairs to his room. It's before dinner, but he can eat leftovers after everyone goes home. Cold food is a small price to pay for not having to put up with small talk.

Hours later, after everyone leaves, Ron comes up to Bill's old room. Typical of the Gryffindor viewpoint, he knocks on the door but barges in before being welcomed. Seamus opens his eyes and sits up at the bang of the door against the wall.

"I have to tell you something" Ron explains as he cross the room. Seamus waits for him to say something. Instead the youngest man of the family surges forward to kiss him. Ron's mouth is sweet with the flavour of apple pie. It's been a little over a week since the last time Seamus snogged a man, and he hasn't realised how much he's missed it until Ron starts.

When Ron at last pulls away, Seamus can't help but laugh. He laughs and laughs, and Ron's face goes from annoyed to concerned as he worries about the sanity of his mate.

"Sorry, sorry," Seamus explains. "I just can't help it. It's so bloody funny. I'm completely fucked because I'm a queer and I can't change no matter how much my mam wants it. But oh, the great magical Weasleys! Percy, queer and the prissiest man I've ever met besides, and he changes into bisexual and picks up a girl. And then you! Actually straight, with everything going for you, and you've somehow decided to be queer? It's really a bloody riot."

Ron shakes his head, though he doesn't seem offended. "In nature, hardly anyone fits on the exclusively heterosexual or exclusively homosexual sides of the spectrum. Just because your mum doesn't know that, and just because no one's told you, doesn't mean it shouldn't be obvious to any bird or bloke with eyes. Like half the blokes at Hogwarts didn't wonder what it would be like to shack up with Harry, or half the birds with Fleur during the Yule Ball."

"So, you think that you can snog a bloke without being queer?" Seamus asks. He knows there's no changing for him, as much as it would make everything easier. But he's curious to know what sort of logical process Ron's used. In Hogwarts Hermione always claimed he didn't know a damned thing, and he seemed to conform to her wishes, acting daft to please her. Anyone watching Ron play chess knew differently, they knew that he had a brain.

"I think you don't know who you are until you've tried as many different things as you can. But that doesn't matter, because nothing this week has been about what I think. You hid here because you knew I wouldn't think. You wanted time to think up a strategy for how you're going to face life from now on. Trust me, I get it. Most my time at Hogwarts was thinking up strategy. But it's about time you decided on something, because you can't spend your entire life thinking strategy, you have to decide on a course."

Ron pauses, to see if Seamus' got it. Seamus doesn't remember Ron ever giving motivational speeches at Hogwarts, but then it's been several long years since sixth year. "So, what do you want?"

"Will you come with me?" It's not very brave of Seamus to ask, not very Gryffindorish. But he's changed since sixth year too, and he and Neville are well aware of how to draw strength from others.

Ron nods, and Seamus clasps his hand into his. With an image fixed in his head he apparates to Dean's. Seamus doesn't know how Dean will react to the truth, but Seamus is done hiding.